The image of the two icebergs gives us a visual of what happens in challenging relationships, especially those involving a separation or divorce.
The initial meeting between two people is like the part of the Icebergs that are above the water. That is where people begin a relationship – with the knowledge that is gained from social interactions and such. Surface level information.
But what about the major part of the Icebergs that reside beneath the surface of the water?
The relevance of that beneath part of the Icebergs is of most significance. It is below the surface where the majority of the icebergs reside -- and when close to each other -- they bump and can literally damage that bumped part of each one!
Some years ago as I was crossing the room to meet a client who was separated from his wife, I heard the voice of God (and you can too if you haven’t yet) say to me: The Clash of Soul Wounds.
That is when the image of the icebergs came to me and made a lot of sense. It caused an immediate and significant shift in my thinking, which structured my work not only for that client but also for future clients.
Realizing that the clash of soul wounds is the major cause of stressful and challenging relationships is very helpful in quickening positive outcomes. The focus then shifts from understanding each other and learning relationship skills to understanding each ones own individual self.
The very first step in moving past conflict and challenges, is to recognize that the real issue is in each person’s hurts from the past and getting those healed.
Time does not heal all wounds. Not by a long shot.
Neither does learning communication skills. The place for that is definitely necessary but only after the first step has successfully begun.
Also, neither does blaming or expecting the other person to change. Blaming has only one helpful function – that of providing the clue for the “blamer” to discover a very important issue for herself/himself!
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